Bastardo takes a knee

"I am a remorseless eating machine".  I have used this quote from the Simpsons many, many times to describe myself.

"I have an otherworldly tolerance for alcohol."  I truly believed this.

"My sense of direction is unparalleled".  I've always prided myself on having a stout mental-compass, especially in the woods.

In the last twenty-four hours, I became uncomfortably full from a mere 1.5 plates of Thanksgiving dinner, threw up from drinking a couple glasses of wine and got lost in a freaking municipal park.

And so the decline begins.

Nobi's out of bourbon

There's this girl. You know she's no good for you. Never has been. All those hours you've spent with her -- not to mention the money you've spent, and what has she ever given in return? Year after year of letdowns. But sucker that you are, you've always kept crawling back, trying to convince yourself that you're happy with her.

This year, it seemed like your dogged, stupid loyalty had paid off. She'd finally gotten her shit together. Hell, she was fucking hot. You knew it, she knew it, everyone knew it. You were proud to be seen together. Your friends were envious. The two of you were walking talking happening angels of the moment.

And so you did it. You threw away the last layer of resistance. You said 'yes' to the mortgage, 'yes' to the diamond. She was all you thought about, and you didn't care who knew it. You were flying high, you were walking down the fucking aisle. And then, just when your happiness was right there, the confetti was ready to fall, the fireworks to pour into the sky, an open caddy riding into a never-ending sunset...

She falls apart. In a moment of clarity you see the numbers on her phone. You see the tracks on her arm. You know without looking that your bank account's been cleaned out. The poems were just cut and pasted from the Net. The I-told-you-so's were hitting you like the first drops of rain. She'd fucked you over again and all that you'd learned was that you never learn.

Damn you, Canucks.

It's the best of times, it's the worst of times....of television

Has television ever been worse?

The Bachelor?  The Bachelorette?  CSI (and every spinoff thereof)? That Charlie Sheen show, the Doogie Howser show?  I could go on...but do I have to?  Yikes.

But wait, has television ever been better?   Without any explanation or analysis, let's examine the undisputed top ten shows of the past decade and arguably all-time.

10. Carnivale/Justified (tie)

9. Game of Thrones

8. Breaking Bad

7. Boardwalk Empire

6. Six Feet Under

5. Archer

4. The Sopranos

3. Mad Men

2. Arrested Development

1. The Wire

You'll note Arrested Development is the only top ten show that ran on network television--and it struggled to survive three years.  As the major networks devolved into an orgy of formulaic crime dramas and an unending wave of abhorrent reality shows, cable television decided to go in the complete opposite direction.  Smart, character driven programming is the order of the day on HBO, AMC and FX. 

Somehow we're simultaneously experiencing the Dark Ages and the Golden Age of Television*.

*The term "Golden Age of Television" was coined by Raoul Bastardo   

Onward!

No doubt you have already read Howard Schultz's (the founder of Starbucks?! Duh!) co-written autobiography, Onward. Not surprisingly it's currently the New York #1 Bestseller. I'm really hoping that Howard will sign my copy -- but welcome to the club, right?! I guess it's probably not worth a blog, but it's just so inspiring to read about Howard's bold vision. To clone the pleasant cafe and paste it all over the world, ala McDonald's. To ensure that everyone in the world can drink reasonable coffee, while sitting in a reasonably comfortable chair, listening to reasonably good music, and eating a reasonably good snack. What will he think of next? I, for one, can't wait to find out. Confession time!! I read it at Starbucks while drinking my misto!

Rats!

Recently my folks found a large number of droppings in their basement. Turned out they had a rat infestation. Great. The guy from the city came round and assured them that 'rats are everywhere in Victoria.' Also good news. The man was well-built, with close-cropped hair, and a couple of scars on his legs and arms. His vehicle was unmarked. He took a look at the droppings, and declared that these were Norwegian Rats, not the smaller Tree Rats. Turns out these Scandinavian rodents can grow up to 30 cm (not including the tail). Super. By the way, they are also, after humans, the most widespread animal on earth. Breeding machines. We went (together, armed) to clean up the droppings, but the rat man told us not to touch them. 'Rats use droppings to communicate to each other. If you move them around, they'll sense trouble and won't go for the traps.' Huh? You're telling me we have enormous brown rats squatting in the basement, and they had developed an orthographic system using their feces? I looked more closely at the arrangements of the droppings. Sure enough, they said (crudely but legibly):

We fuck you.

We'll see who fucks who, I muttered to myself as we strategically placed the peanut butter traps around the walls. Funny though, as I closed the door, I could have sworn I heard a hissing, guttural voice say: 'Asshole.' Must have just been my imagination...

Lessons learned from the dating game

1.) Don't forget your wallet when meeting for dinner.

2.) Make extra special care not to forget your wallet when meeting for dinner when you know you're going to tell your date you don't want to date anymore. (Really, that's an important one).

3.) Don't try to furtively pass gas when on a date.

4.) Don't mock a date's use of emoticons in emails. I find this one difficult to adhere to. However, it is important not to tell a date that a fucking winky face does not have to follow every joke or jab.

5.) Don't plan a date after a big night of drinking. Besides the obvious temptation to defy Lesson #3, you may look like crap and smell like booze. Apparently, both of these are turn-offs.

6.) Don't order a beer when meeting for a morning coffee.

Many more to come...

Nobi's All-In Furious Fitness Freakout (NAIFFF)

Tired of "guaranteed" fitness programs that leave you just as fat as you were (only 50 bucks lighter)? Tired of finding yourself curled up like a pretzel while some stranger yells at you to "reach for your inner fire!!" and you see yourself from a distance and worry that you've made some terrible compromises in your life? Got 20 minutes to kill? If you answered "yes" to the any of the above questions, then Nobi's All-in Furious Fitness Freakout is for you. Here's how it works: (1) Create your own personalized 20-minute Furious Fitness Freakout Mix. I'm not going to tell you what tunes will make the cut. The only criteria is that it'll make you want to tear the stuffing out of a pillow, eat a glass and dunk over LeBron from out of fucking nowhere. (2) Put on your Furious Fitness Freakout Mix garments. Again, there is no model here. You're looking for the comfort/freakout edge here, something to confront a home intruder in, something to walk out of the wreckage in. Think "The Road" meets the fighting monks of Lao Tsu Te Mountain. All your stretchy comfy good looks don't mean much to a marauding grizzly, do they? High ankle support is going to be the least of your worries. (3) Shut the curtains, clear the living room of shit you might need again, send your loved ones to the park, take a deep breath ... unlock the furious fitness freak cage. What's that smell? Press play. (4) Freak the fuck out, cowboy! This isn't a workout! Aliens are trying to eat your head! Your team just won the cup! What the fuck is that on your LEG!? Get if off! Get if off! Oh oh! NASA flight simulator going 2Gs! 3Gs! Eject! Nobody is going to need THIS on the moon! Smash! Smash! Wildebeest stampede! You're a screaming baboon! Show them your fucking incisors! Show them your bright blue ass! Running with the bulls! Riding a bull! You're not gonna make it to the fence, Ty! Ass over tea kettle! Woo! Is that Jackie Chan? He wants to fight you?! You've got a sword?! He's got a fucking MACE?! Oh, shit! Crash! The Ikea table is kindling now! Turn you fool! Finish him! Oww! Don't look! Better make a leap for it! Train tracks? Shinkansen!! Get out of the way! Drop and roll! And roll! And roll! Meth heads have got you! Better dance them to the ground! Dance! These people believe in NOTHING! Not working?! Hit 'em with your books! All of them! Now get the troll with the shelves! He's the source of their power! For the SHIRE!!!! Stop the music. Breathe. Put the freak back in the cage for now. (5) Repeat, with whatever variations get your all-in freak out OUT. Import props as necessary. Hint: take no prisoners with your music selections. Either they leapt from one building to the next... or they didn't. Also stay tuned for Nobi's All-in Deep Relaxation Program. It's so relaxing you won't fucking believe it.

Riding the Lightning

Enough said.

Fast and Furious: A Conversation

INT. - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Hercules Johnson, a beer in hand, stretches out lengthwise on a sofa as a commercial interrupts the Super Bowl. Herc's wife, Mrs. Johnson, sits behind the sofa at the kitchen table, sipping wine while she reads a novel.

HERC

Looks like they're coming out with a new car movie...

WIFE

What?

HERC

You know..."The Fast and the Furious"?

Looks like they're coming out with the fifth one.

This new one's gonna be called 'Fast Five'

WIFE

Are you making conversation?

HERC

First they had "The Fast and the Furious," then

"2 Fast 2 Furious," then "Tokyo Drift," the last one

was "Fast & Furious." This one's "Fast Five."

I wonder what the next one'll be called...

WIFE

Fast Forward.

Zing!

Mr. Submarine is Bullshit

Do you know anyone who's ever eaten there?  I mean, ever?  Have you ever seen anyone eating there with your own eyes?  Ever?

It's been this way for 30 years.  How can they possibly still be in business?

Hot Tub Time Machine

It's not a question of how bad this movie is.

The real question is who is willing to admit that they watched it.

A hot tub that is a time machine.

sigh

Bachelor Days Part 1

In honour of Nobi's brief bacherlorhood (until Mrs. and Mini Nobita get home), I'll recap some of the highlights....Jan. 5th: Had all the makings of a veggie stirfry in the fridge. Went to KFC instead for a double down. While waiting, asked clerk if she wanted to get double down with me after her shift. She said she'd tried the sandwich but didn't like it, and anyway, she had a Chem 11 test the next day. Ate at booth while reading free Auto Trader, but clerk didn't bus any nearby tables, which I would have taken as a sign. Only other patron was large single mom with large toddler in a stroller cradling a fountain drink. Thought of inviting her for road trip to Parksville ('I have a car seat'), but decided to go home and Youtube 'best hockey fights ever' instead. On way home, listening to Nickleback on classic FM, I felt, I don't know...complete.

Random Thought About Latin American Cuisine

Fact: A quesadilla without cheese is not a quesadilla - It's a tragedilla

I might even go so far as to say it's blasphemilla!

Herc out

See ya!