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| Poutine: the morning after. |
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Note to self...
2 poutines in two nights sounds cooler than it actually is. Especially when one of the poutines is accompanied by a chili-dog.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Note to self...
Two Double Downs in two weeks sounds cooler than it actually is.
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| Be still my beating heart. |
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Sports or Sporting Events worth mocking: Part 1
Hockey set this one up on a tee for us!
This year's inductees to the Hockey Hall of Fame:
Dino Ciccarelli (fair enough), Cami Granato (again, no issue), Angela James (if you say so), Jim Devellano (this guy?) and somebody named Daryl "Doc" Seaman.
I haven't heard of the last three inductees but I'm sure they're very worthy. The best part though? The induction ceremony on November 7th will feature performances by Honeymoon Suite and Alan Frew (of Glass Tiger fame). Clearly no expense was spared!
This year's inductees to the Hockey Hall of Fame:
Dino Ciccarelli (fair enough), Cami Granato (again, no issue), Angela James (if you say so), Jim Devellano (this guy?) and somebody named Daryl "Doc" Seaman.
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| Jim Devellano (apparently) |
I haven't heard of the last three inductees but I'm sure they're very worthy. The best part though? The induction ceremony on November 7th will feature performances by Honeymoon Suite and Alan Frew (of Glass Tiger fame). Clearly no expense was spared!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Good vs. Evil
In honour of the baseball post-season, let's imagine history's all-time bad guys matching up against the all-time good guys. Here are the line-ups. Who do you like in a seven game series? Anyone missing?
Bad Guys
1. RF-Adolf Hitler--terrible mustache, pansy arm but always seems to get on base. Led the league in persecutions and walks 4 years in a row.
2. SS-Joseph Stalin--excellent mustache, ruthless dictator, good singles hitter but weak defender.
3. 1B-Tomas de Torquemada--the man behind the Spanish Inquisition can hit to all fields.
4. DH-Genghis Kahn--the leader of the Mongol hordes has monster power but a temper to match.
5. 3B-Pol Pot--Khmer Rouge commander has left a legacy of disease, starvation and timely RBIs.
6. LF-Idi Amin--former president of Uganda whose rule was characterized by human rights abuses, ethnic persecution, and political repression has a slick glove and is good for 30 steals a season.
7. 2B-Kim Jong Il--weak arm, talks a better game than he plays. Often criticized for his off-field apparel.
8. C-Mao Tse-tung--the Chairman, who is estimated to have killed between 20 and 67 million, is slow on the basepaths, and a poor game caller.
9. CF-Ty Cobb--the “Georgia Peach” boasts a career .367 batting average
Starting Pitcher
Vlad Tepes--Vlad the Impaler throws consistently in the mid to high 90's. Propensity to miss high and inside keeps opponents on their toes.
Good Guys
1. SS-Mohandis Gandhi--smart, team player who knows how to get on base. Great OBP and strong but calm clubhouse presence. Vacuum glove.
2. 2B-Jesus Christ--with Gandhi, forms the best keystone combination in the game today. Has brought shoulder-length hair and love back in vogue.
3. CF-Buddha--the founder of Buddhism can flat out rake. The prototypical 5 tool player.
4. LF-Dalai Lama--hits for power and percentage and is a rock in left field. A strikingly similar player to the man hitting ahead of him.
5. DH-Martin Luther King--leader of the civil rights movement has never been afraid of the big stage. A vocal leader who can walk the walk. Pencil him in for .300-30-115
6. 3B-Baha'u'llah--devoted his career to the abolition of racial, class, and religious prejudices and bare handing bunts hit down the third base line.
7. 1B-Albert Einstein--high baseball IQ. Always approaches the plate with a plan.
8. RF-Mother Teresa--known for working tirelessly with the terminally ill, her cannon arm and ability to get the timely hit.
9. C-Albert Schweitzer--one of the great humanitarians of the 20th century rarely allows a passed ball.
Starting Pitcher
Nelson Mandela--winner of the 1993 Nobel Peace Prize and 4 Cy Young awards. Location, location, location--Mandela paints the corners like no one else but can still summon the 96 mph cheese when it's needed.
Bad Guys
1. RF-Adolf Hitler--terrible mustache, pansy arm but always seems to get on base. Led the league in persecutions and walks 4 years in a row.
2. SS-Joseph Stalin--excellent mustache, ruthless dictator, good singles hitter but weak defender.
3. 1B-Tomas de Torquemada--the man behind the Spanish Inquisition can hit to all fields.
4. DH-Genghis Kahn--the leader of the Mongol hordes has monster power but a temper to match.
5. 3B-Pol Pot--Khmer Rouge commander has left a legacy of disease, starvation and timely RBIs.
6. LF-Idi Amin--former president of Uganda whose rule was characterized by human rights abuses, ethnic persecution, and political repression has a slick glove and is good for 30 steals a season.
7. 2B-Kim Jong Il--weak arm, talks a better game than he plays. Often criticized for his off-field apparel.
8. C-Mao Tse-tung--the Chairman, who is estimated to have killed between 20 and 67 million, is slow on the basepaths, and a poor game caller.
9. CF-Ty Cobb--the “Georgia Peach” boasts a career .367 batting average
Starting Pitcher
Vlad Tepes--Vlad the Impaler throws consistently in the mid to high 90's. Propensity to miss high and inside keeps opponents on their toes.
Good Guys
1. SS-Mohandis Gandhi--smart, team player who knows how to get on base. Great OBP and strong but calm clubhouse presence. Vacuum glove.
2. 2B-Jesus Christ--with Gandhi, forms the best keystone combination in the game today. Has brought shoulder-length hair and love back in vogue.
3. CF-Buddha--the founder of Buddhism can flat out rake. The prototypical 5 tool player.
4. LF-Dalai Lama--hits for power and percentage and is a rock in left field. A strikingly similar player to the man hitting ahead of him.
5. DH-Martin Luther King--leader of the civil rights movement has never been afraid of the big stage. A vocal leader who can walk the walk. Pencil him in for .300-30-115
6. 3B-Baha'u'llah--devoted his career to the abolition of racial, class, and religious prejudices and bare handing bunts hit down the third base line.
7. 1B-Albert Einstein--high baseball IQ. Always approaches the plate with a plan.
8. RF-Mother Teresa--known for working tirelessly with the terminally ill, her cannon arm and ability to get the timely hit.
9. C-Albert Schweitzer--one of the great humanitarians of the 20th century rarely allows a passed ball.
Starting Pitcher
Nelson Mandela--winner of the 1993 Nobel Peace Prize and 4 Cy Young awards. Location, location, location--Mandela paints the corners like no one else but can still summon the 96 mph cheese when it's needed.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Cyclist Watcher Guide
Passing other cyclists on my travels round Victoria, I can't help but notice that they (no, not me) fall into recognizable categories. I'll start with 2 of my favourites. Feel free to add other types to the list:
The Greg Glamonde (GGC): At a distance you might mistake a GG for a serious professional. He has ALL the gear. According to his shirt he is sponsored by 3 European banks. His legs are shaved, his bike is f%#*n expensive. His face behind cycling shades is dead serious. He will not acknowledge your existence as you pass each other, so it's good to wave and smile and say an exaggerated "HI THERE!" You are dazzled of course, but you do have a few questions for yourself: If he really is training for the Tour de France, as the whole steely package makes you understand, (a) why is he doing it on a gently rolling street like Beach Drive? and (b) why is he fat?
The Rather B Drivin' (RBD): This is the young dude with the crappy mountain bike riding to school. He has no helmet, no bell, no lights. The front wheel is wonky, and his knees are pumping above the handlebar because he can't be assed to raise the seat. Maybe there is no seat. The chain is rusted half off, and both tires are flat. He's been riding the bike like this every day for about 2 years. He leaves the bike out in the rain. When the bike will finally die ("NO! Fuck! I got a class in ten minutes! You piece of SHIT!") he'll dump it in a playground. A child will trip over it and cut her leg on a rusty spoke that's sticking out, and she'll have to go to the hospital for a tetanus shot.
Coming soon: The Singlehandedly Saving the Planet, and the Nobody Beats Me to Work
The Greg Glamonde (GGC): At a distance you might mistake a GG for a serious professional. He has ALL the gear. According to his shirt he is sponsored by 3 European banks. His legs are shaved, his bike is f%#*n expensive. His face behind cycling shades is dead serious. He will not acknowledge your existence as you pass each other, so it's good to wave and smile and say an exaggerated "HI THERE!" You are dazzled of course, but you do have a few questions for yourself: If he really is training for the Tour de France, as the whole steely package makes you understand, (a) why is he doing it on a gently rolling street like Beach Drive? and (b) why is he fat?
The Rather B Drivin' (RBD): This is the young dude with the crappy mountain bike riding to school. He has no helmet, no bell, no lights. The front wheel is wonky, and his knees are pumping above the handlebar because he can't be assed to raise the seat. Maybe there is no seat. The chain is rusted half off, and both tires are flat. He's been riding the bike like this every day for about 2 years. He leaves the bike out in the rain. When the bike will finally die ("NO! Fuck! I got a class in ten minutes! You piece of SHIT!") he'll dump it in a playground. A child will trip over it and cut her leg on a rusty spoke that's sticking out, and she'll have to go to the hospital for a tetanus shot.
Coming soon: The Singlehandedly Saving the Planet, and the Nobody Beats Me to Work
Monday, October 4, 2010
Internet Tabs
My current four:
1.) Google map search for "Poutine Burnaby"
2.) Youtube clip of Battle of the Network Stars from 1976 (this is worth every minute--thank you Bill Simmons)
3.) Google search to determine if smoking banana peels will get you high (alas, no)
4.) Hair-loss Help forum--does "Revivogen" really work?
1.) Google map search for "Poutine Burnaby"
2.) Youtube clip of Battle of the Network Stars from 1976 (this is worth every minute--thank you Bill Simmons)
3.) Google search to determine if smoking banana peels will get you high (alas, no)
4.) Hair-loss Help forum--does "Revivogen" really work?
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Punch a Fan seen wearing little saddle shoes
It used to be about the music.
What happened to Paf? What was once a proud blog now toils in obscurity. What was once a beacon for the clever, the very definition of wit, is now a shining example of apathy.
Punch a Fan, I'm ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of us all...
What happened to Paf? What was once a proud blog now toils in obscurity. What was once a beacon for the clever, the very definition of wit, is now a shining example of apathy.
Punch a Fan, I'm ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of us all...
Friday, September 24, 2010
Queen Elizabeth in 3D
Final proof that CBC simply knows what Canadians want to see: Queen Elizabeth in 3D.
"Queen Elizabeth like you've never seen her before." "A historic milestone in Canadian television" Few would deny it. All we can really say is, thank you CBC. My cultural tax dollars are in good hands.
Put on your 3D glasses, Canada, and hold on to your seats! Are you ready for:
The Queen leaning forward in her velvet-covered armchair -- IN 3D!
The Queen opening a dogshow in Hertfordshire -- in 3D!
The Queen selecting a hat for a visit to an orphanage -- in 3D!
The Queen reviewing a regiment of soldiers, and sharing a moment of levity with Sergeant Dean Crudge of Sunderland -- in 3D!
And that's just Season One.
Yes, just when you think CBC is losing touch with Canadians, they show us (again) the meaning of great television.
"Queen Elizabeth like you've never seen her before." "A historic milestone in Canadian television" Few would deny it. All we can really say is, thank you CBC. My cultural tax dollars are in good hands.
Put on your 3D glasses, Canada, and hold on to your seats! Are you ready for:
The Queen leaning forward in her velvet-covered armchair -- IN 3D!
The Queen opening a dogshow in Hertfordshire -- in 3D!
The Queen selecting a hat for a visit to an orphanage -- in 3D!
The Queen reviewing a regiment of soldiers, and sharing a moment of levity with Sergeant Dean Crudge of Sunderland -- in 3D!
And that's just Season One.
Yes, just when you think CBC is losing touch with Canadians, they show us (again) the meaning of great television.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
UVic Rabbit Update
Victoria, CA (AP): On the heels of plans to cull the rabbits at the University of Victoria, students have begun to notice signs of aggression from the normally docile animals. Joan Boatswain, a 3rd year psychology student, was confronted by a black and white rabbit while eating her lunch outside the university library.
"I thought he wanted my burrito," Boatswain told reporters, "but the next thing I know he was taking a piece out my ankle." Similar incidents have been reported by other students, especially after dark.
"A couple of black and white rabbits chased me back to my dorm," said "Darcy," who did not want her real name used for fear of reprisals. "I'm on the track team, so I could outrun them, but I had to use all of my speed. The one wearing the red bandana was fast." The student admitted being intoxicated at the time, and acknowledged that the article of clothing may have been the rabbit's natural colouring, but says she's now fearful of crossing campus alone at night.
Public Relations officer Bud Kanzane, when asked about the incidents, dismissed them as "exaggerations," and vehemently rejected claims that a drug previously administered to nearly 200 rabbits, intended to neuter the animals, had failed in its purpose, and had even unleashed an unexpected aggression in the rodents.
"The day I see a rabbit with a 'bloods'-style bandana coming at me," scoffed Kanzane, "is the day I check myself into the psych ward at Vic General."
UVic students, meanwhile, are not taking any chances in an "us vs. them" war that many claim is "escalating."
"Mr. Kanzane doesn't walk the campus at night," said Boatswain in reponse to the PR man's bluff confidence. "He gets into his car and goes back to his cushy Oak Bay house. But for those of us who live with these [expletive] things, you can feel the tension."
Only time will tell if the cull-threatened rabbits at the university will accept their dreary fate, or start bringin' it Monty Python and the Holy Grail style.
"I thought he wanted my burrito," Boatswain told reporters, "but the next thing I know he was taking a piece out my ankle." Similar incidents have been reported by other students, especially after dark.
"A couple of black and white rabbits chased me back to my dorm," said "Darcy," who did not want her real name used for fear of reprisals. "I'm on the track team, so I could outrun them, but I had to use all of my speed. The one wearing the red bandana was fast." The student admitted being intoxicated at the time, and acknowledged that the article of clothing may have been the rabbit's natural colouring, but says she's now fearful of crossing campus alone at night.
Public Relations officer Bud Kanzane, when asked about the incidents, dismissed them as "exaggerations," and vehemently rejected claims that a drug previously administered to nearly 200 rabbits, intended to neuter the animals, had failed in its purpose, and had even unleashed an unexpected aggression in the rodents.
"The day I see a rabbit with a 'bloods'-style bandana coming at me," scoffed Kanzane, "is the day I check myself into the psych ward at Vic General."
UVic students, meanwhile, are not taking any chances in an "us vs. them" war that many claim is "escalating."
"Mr. Kanzane doesn't walk the campus at night," said Boatswain in reponse to the PR man's bluff confidence. "He gets into his car and goes back to his cushy Oak Bay house. But for those of us who live with these [expletive] things, you can feel the tension."
Only time will tell if the cull-threatened rabbits at the university will accept their dreary fate, or start bringin' it Monty Python and the Holy Grail style.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Dubious Honour?
The lady and I went in to one of Victoria's finest booksellers the other day. We were looking for a copy of Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood. A classic by one of literature's greatest artists. Surely they would stock this, right? No luck. Here's the 'M' section... Munro...Ryu Murakami...Huh? You gotta be kidding me. They carry Ryu Murakami but not Haruki? I'm not assuming my taste is everybody's, but I don't know too many folks who don't like HM. So I'm about to buttonhole one of the skinny, introverted clerks, when I spot a little note where his books should be: "Haruki Murakami books may be found behind the back desk." Hmm. Maybe that's the "Staff Picks" section, or a "Foreign Lit." section or something. I go looking around the back desk, but don't see anything. So I ask the skinny, squirrely bookworm at the back desk.
"Oh, yeah, we've got alla Murakami's books back here." He indicates a shelf behind him, out of reach to customers, and sure enough, there are most of Murakami's translated books, including Norwegian Wood. I go to ask the obvious: "Is there any reas--"
"Yeah, his books walk."
"You mean people steal them?"
"Yeah, his books get ripped off more than anyone else here."
Well I'll be damned. He passes me Norwegian Wood like I've asked to see a gold ring under glass.
I feel like this geek is sizing me up as a potential thief myself. The lady and I exchange a slightly nervous laugh. Our favourite writer has been either elevated to an even greater coolness level here, or tarnished a little. We can't figure which. I can imagine the cover of his latest novel: "New York Times Bestseller! #1 Most Stolen Book Worldwide!"
What would Murakami say about this? I've always imagined the West Coast hepcats with their tight jeans and single-speed cruisers as Murakami readers, but now when I see one conspicuously reading The Wind-up Bird Chronicle at some cafe, I'm going to think: You stole that, dirtbag.
"Oh, yeah, we've got alla Murakami's books back here." He indicates a shelf behind him, out of reach to customers, and sure enough, there are most of Murakami's translated books, including Norwegian Wood. I go to ask the obvious: "Is there any reas--"
"Yeah, his books walk."
"You mean people steal them?"
"Yeah, his books get ripped off more than anyone else here."
Well I'll be damned. He passes me Norwegian Wood like I've asked to see a gold ring under glass.
I feel like this geek is sizing me up as a potential thief myself. The lady and I exchange a slightly nervous laugh. Our favourite writer has been either elevated to an even greater coolness level here, or tarnished a little. We can't figure which. I can imagine the cover of his latest novel: "New York Times Bestseller! #1 Most Stolen Book Worldwide!"
What would Murakami say about this? I've always imagined the West Coast hepcats with their tight jeans and single-speed cruisers as Murakami readers, but now when I see one conspicuously reading The Wind-up Bird Chronicle at some cafe, I'm going to think: You stole that, dirtbag.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Stamps 48 Leos 35
I got a ticket for 20 bucks half way through the first quarter. “Real good seat” the scalper said as he tucked my money in his fanny pack. I went into the grounds, got a beer and found my seat. My “real good seat” was actually decent. Things were looking up!
I was sitting next to a man and his 8(ish) year old son. Good family fun, the CFL! I began to make small talk with the man but we were interrupted when the Stampeders scored on a long passing play. “COCKSUCKER, FUCK!” the man screamed. Maybe I needed to take a closer look at this scene.
One section over and about 5 rows ahead of me, a man with a bright red face suddenly stood and screamed, “SIT THE FUCK DOWN!”. The object of his attention, massively overweight and sporting a Lui Passaglia jersey, kept threatening to moon the crowd. The silver haired man was taking exception. And thank god for that. I wanted to see Passaglia's naked can about as much as I wanted to eat glass. Things seemed to be falling apart.
The teams exchanged about 12 punts and 15 penalties before halftime. CFL football at its very finest. My initial good impression was fading fast.
The Lions cashed in on a bad interception by Stampeders quarterback Henry Burris just before halftime to make the game close. 27-20 Calgary.
The halftime ceremonies featured the “Superdogs”. Dogs and their owners raced through an obstacle course as they blared Guns 'n Roses over the PA. Strangely, the fans stood cheered for this entire segment. It was easily the loudest the crowd got all night.
The game resumed and passed by in a blur of more penalties and punts. There was some scoring mixed in there too but I honestly don't remember much of it.
Halfway through the third quarter the fat man in the Passaglia jersey started stumbling up the stairs towards the exit. He looked white as a ghost and very confused. I hadn't seen that look since my first year of university but it was unmistakable. He vomited on the steps about 10 rows in front of me. Some people, including the man and his son sitting next to me, cheered. Ladies and gentlemen, the CFL, fun for the whole family!
The Lions looked putrid but the crowd didn't seem to care. The wave (everyone loves the wave) got going and went around the stadium for what seemed like 20 minutes. The Stampeders scored again but the wave didn't let up. Was anyone even watching?
The Lions scored two touchdowns late to make the score close but the game was lopsided. The final whistle finally blew and I shuffled towards the exit with the remaining fans. I passed by some of the “Felions” (Lions cheerleaders) on my way out of the grounds. They were lingering around their trailer and getting whistled at by exiting fans. They were dressed like small-town strippers, but without the class. Oddly, my junk felt itchy as I passed.
I've heard it said that you can judge a society by its entertainment. Believing this to be at least partially true I went home and wept for us all.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
New Look for Punch a Fan!
And the results speak for themselves--PaF is now accesible through the Google-machine! Simply type: site:http://punchafan.blogspot.com/ in Google to find us. (Note: you must type those words exactly).
Punch a Fan founder Raoul Bastardo reportedly commemorated the occasion by getting drunk in his Mom's basement.
Punch a Fan founder Raoul Bastardo reportedly commemorated the occasion by getting drunk in his Mom's basement.
Our Lunch Will Go Onnnnnn...
In the song lyrics vein, it's a good chuckle replacing "love" with "lunch" in your favourite tunes. A few examples:
- Lunch in an elevator.
- Lunch is all we need.
- Is this lunch, is this lunch, is this lunch, is this lunch that I'm feelin'?
- Wanna whole lotta lunch, wanna whole lotta lunch.
Go on, you try! It's fun!
- Lunch in an elevator.
- Lunch is all we need.
- Is this lunch, is this lunch, is this lunch, is this lunch that I'm feelin'?
- Wanna whole lotta lunch, wanna whole lotta lunch.
Go on, you try! It's fun!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Nine Day Traffic Jam
Phewww...
Nine days in a traffic jam from Jining City to Beijing. Over 100 km long. Ugh..visiting the motherland has its disadvantages. Great rice though.
What do you do for nine days in a car? Play "I Spy" for over a week? Know any good knock-knock jokes maybe?
What are you going to eat? Where are you going to pee and/or poo?
Apparently, the locals started selling food and bottles of water at the side of the highway.
So what do you think I should have done during my nine day traffic jam?
Mao
Nine days in a traffic jam from Jining City to Beijing. Over 100 km long. Ugh..visiting the motherland has its disadvantages. Great rice though.
What do you do for nine days in a car? Play "I Spy" for over a week? Know any good knock-knock jokes maybe?
What are you going to eat? Where are you going to pee and/or poo?
Apparently, the locals started selling food and bottles of water at the side of the highway.
So what do you think I should have done during my nine day traffic jam?
Mao
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
DWJ
I guess this DWJ story has made the rounds already, but it really is a gem.
www.djdimepiece.com/driver-arrested-for-using-adult-toy-while-driving/
Here's my imagined conversation with the arresting officers:
Sergeant Troy: You want to take this one?
Sergeant Peterson: No, you go ahead. It's just an expired registration.
Troy (knocking on tinted window): Sir? Madam? ... Oh, dear ... Uh ... Oh ... Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to turn that thing off ... No, I can't wait. ... Now remove it ... Yes, all the way... No, I don't want it. ... Sir. Sir. Yes, you with the laptop. Turn that thing off, too. I guess that's not the news you were watching, then? Oh, and I'll take the crack pipe while we're at it. ... Alright. When you get your pants up, I'm gonna ask you to step out of the car. Peterson, get over here!
As good as this is -- the crack pipe and the passenger (friend? boyfriend? 10-year-old child?) -- I can see improvements: crashing into a KFC, perhaps, and of course the two toddlers in child seats in the back of the car. Any other ideas?
www.djdimepiece.com/driver-arrested-for-using-adult-toy-while-driving/
Here's my imagined conversation with the arresting officers:
Sergeant Troy: You want to take this one?
Sergeant Peterson: No, you go ahead. It's just an expired registration.
Troy (knocking on tinted window): Sir? Madam? ... Oh, dear ... Uh ... Oh ... Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to turn that thing off ... No, I can't wait. ... Now remove it ... Yes, all the way... No, I don't want it. ... Sir. Sir. Yes, you with the laptop. Turn that thing off, too. I guess that's not the news you were watching, then? Oh, and I'll take the crack pipe while we're at it. ... Alright. When you get your pants up, I'm gonna ask you to step out of the car. Peterson, get over here!
As good as this is -- the crack pipe and the passenger (friend? boyfriend? 10-year-old child?) -- I can see improvements: crashing into a KFC, perhaps, and of course the two toddlers in child seats in the back of the car. Any other ideas?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Great Music Lyrics! Volume 1: Fairies Wear Boots
Welcome to the first installment of Great Music Lyrics! Join me as we celebrate some of the all time great rock songs with some of the all time absurd lyrics.
Our first installment, Osbourne Osbourne waxes eloquently in Black Sabbath's classic "Fairies Wear Boots":
Goin home late last night
Suddenly I got a fright
Yeah I looked through a window and surprised what I saw
A fairy with boots and dancin' with a dwarf
Oh all right now!
Yeah fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me
Yeah I saw it, I saw it, I tell you no lies
Yeah fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me
I saw it, I saw it with my own two eyes
All right now!
So I went to the doctor
See what he could give me
He said "Son, son, you've gone too far.
'Cause smokin' and trippin' is all that you do"
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
I don't think much has to be added in the way of commentary. I will say that I've always enjoyed Ozzie's penchant for inserting a "yeaaaaaaaaaahhhhh" at various points in his songs. Almost as though he forgot the next line. Actually that's a very distinct possibility.
Our first installment, Osbourne Osbourne waxes eloquently in Black Sabbath's classic "Fairies Wear Boots":
Goin home late last night
Suddenly I got a fright
Yeah I looked through a window and surprised what I saw
A fairy with boots and dancin' with a dwarf
Oh all right now!
Yeah fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me
Yeah I saw it, I saw it, I tell you no lies
Yeah fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me
I saw it, I saw it with my own two eyes
All right now!
So I went to the doctor
See what he could give me
He said "Son, son, you've gone too far.
'Cause smokin' and trippin' is all that you do"
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
I don't think much has to be added in the way of commentary. I will say that I've always enjoyed Ozzie's penchant for inserting a "yeaaaaaaaaaahhhhh" at various points in his songs. Almost as though he forgot the next line. Actually that's a very distinct possibility.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Bautista on Being the 1st to 40
(Reuters) Jose Bautista, Right Fielder for the Toronto Blue Jays, hit two home runs on Tuesday in a win over the New York Yankees. Leading all of major league baseball, Bautista's HR season total now sits at 40.
This has undoubtedly miffed Yankee fans around the world as he has clearly out-performed Alex Rodriguez, a displeasing pretty-boy and well-known juicer.
Here are comparable stats:
Rodriguez: HR - 21; RBI - 97; OBP (Iain Smith's stupid favourite statistic) - .333
Bautista: HR - 40; RBI - 95; OBP - .373 (further, he is precisely 5x more handsome and charming)
It is especially stinging for the defending World Chumps and their vitriolic fans that Rodriguez earns nearly 15 times more than Bautista ($33.0m and $2.4m a year respectively).
When asked by Tricia Takanawa, PaF reporter, how he explains his vast superiority over Rodriguez, Bautista responded "Rice, I eat a lot of rice."
When asked by Takanawa how he explains Rodriguez's mediocre performance, Bautista responded "Cheese, he eats too much cheese."
This has undoubtedly miffed Yankee fans around the world as he has clearly out-performed Alex Rodriguez, a displeasing pretty-boy and well-known juicer.
Here are comparable stats:
Rodriguez: HR - 21; RBI - 97; OBP (Iain Smith's stupid favourite statistic) - .333
Bautista: HR - 40; RBI - 95; OBP - .373 (further, he is precisely 5x more handsome and charming)
It is especially stinging for the defending World Chumps and their vitriolic fans that Rodriguez earns nearly 15 times more than Bautista ($33.0m and $2.4m a year respectively).
When asked by Tricia Takanawa, PaF reporter, how he explains his vast superiority over Rodriguez, Bautista responded "Rice, I eat a lot of rice."
When asked by Takanawa how he explains Rodriguez's mediocre performance, Bautista responded "Cheese, he eats too much cheese."
Punch a Fan--the awards are pouring in!
In an independent survey, Punch a Fan was voted the fourth best Canadian-based blog with the acronym PaF.
From his mother's basement, PaF founder Raoul Bastardo thanked all the PaF contributors. "Thanks to all you guys for making this blog such a massive success." He then proceeded to clap very slowly and deliberately.
From his mother's basement, PaF founder Raoul Bastardo thanked all the PaF contributors. "Thanks to all you guys for making this blog such a massive success." He then proceeded to clap very slowly and deliberately.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Raoul vs. the Hobo
I am a broken man. I've been drunk for a full seven days. I've taken up smoking again. If I am able to sleep, it's fitful and plagued by nightmares. I guess you could say that the sun just doesn't seem to shine quite as bright anymore...
Why, you may be asking yourself? Well, there was a hobo spider in my kitchen last week, that's why. The moment didn't last more than a minute but I've been indelibly scarred.
Let me explain. It was about 8:30 pm last Friday night. I was going to the fridge for a Fanta when I saw the spider.
It was clearly a hobo-- 4 inches long with the tell-tale v-shaped stripes down the middle of his body. But it was the intangibles that really distinguished this little bastard. He had what can only be described as a kind of 'swagger'. Yes, he carried himself with a cool confidence usually reserved for prize fighters.
If I'm not mistaken, he scoffed when he first saw me. He didn't even stir until I reached for a shoe but even then his movements weren't motivated by fear. No, he wasn't going to run... it was go-time. And in that moment I could see it clearly-- this spider didn't just want to bite me, he wanted to humiliate me. He wanted to put a cigarette out in my face and sleep with my girlfriend.
We circled each other, locked in a primitive and savage dance. There could be only one winner. In the back of my mind I was thinking about what would happen if he got his dirty little fangs into me. An internet search reveals victims nursing grotesquely swollen, pus-laden wounds. But after meeting this spider face to face I wasn't even remotely surprised. He was evil incarnate. Indeed, this was the kind of spider who laughed during Schindler's list; who called all his friends in August 1999 to tell them “Bruce Willis is a ghost”.
I took a frantic swipe at him with one of my size twelves... not even close. I thought I heard him laugh. Undaunted, he made his move. He went for straight for the big toe on my right foot. His intent was unmistakable, he wanted to take my legs out one at a time, get me on the ground and finish the job. I squealed like an 8 year old girl in pig-tails and frantically flicked him off before he could bite. He landed unharmed and turned to attack again. At this point, I was totally unglued and might even have peed myself a little bit. It was clear that I was out of my league, that I would not win this fight. He recognized this and that was it. It was over--I was psychologically licked and he knew it. He glared at me before he slowly ambled under the fridge. I wasn't worth his effort and he was probably late for some dog-fighting.
Since that night, things have been, well, rough. I've given notice on my apartment. I'm going to lose a pant-load by breaking my lease but I see no other option. I'd like to think that it isn't just me--that the spider is also forever changed from our encounter--but I know better. No, this was as one sided as you can get. Hobo 1, Raoul nil.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Spokesman Stoned to Death
After an impromptu press conference featuring the spokesman from the Pulitzer Prize winning Blog Punch a Fan, a mob of angry linguists took up rocks and stoned the spokesman to death while chanting "Death to all chronic word repeaters!" and "Iain Smith, you're next...you're next".
Punch a Fan tied to endangered animal smuggling ring
Interpol has launched a criminal investigation into the popular blog Punch a Fan for its alleged connections to an endangered animal smuggling ring.
A spokesman for Punch a Fan vehemently denied the charges. "We vehemently deny these charges," the spokesman said. "Vehemently."
A spokesman for Punch a Fan vehemently denied the charges. "We vehemently deny these charges," the spokesman said. "Vehemently."
Punch a Fan online!
Punch a Fan will soon be available on the inter-web! In a few short weeks you'll be able to simply type http://punchafan.blogspot.com/ into your web browser's address bar to be directed straight to Punch A Fan!
We'll keep you posted!
We'll keep you posted!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
God Bless you Howie Mandel
Let's be frank Howie, you've impressed us for years. You wowed us as the comedic mastermind behind "Howie Do It", the charismatic host of "Deal or No Deal" and as a playful spokesman for Boston Pizza. Mr. Mandel, we can't get enough of you.
You were an outstanding actor. While few would argue that your portrayal of Dr. Wayne Fiscus on St. Elsewhere was anything less than inspired, it was as the voice of Gizmo on "Gremlins" and "Gremlins 2" that cemented your reputation as one of the world's foremost entertainers.
Lest we overlook your superlative work as a stand-up comic. Who can forget your never-tired shtick of placing a latex glove on your head and inflating it through your nose! The word "genius" is overused but in your case, I feel it's perfectly apt.
Howie Mandel--I salute you.
You were an outstanding actor. While few would argue that your portrayal of Dr. Wayne Fiscus on St. Elsewhere was anything less than inspired, it was as the voice of Gizmo on "Gremlins" and "Gremlins 2" that cemented your reputation as one of the world's foremost entertainers.
Lest we overlook your superlative work as a stand-up comic. Who can forget your never-tired shtick of placing a latex glove on your head and inflating it through your nose! The word "genius" is overused but in your case, I feel it's perfectly apt.
Howie Mandel--I salute you.
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