Coming soon!

Punch a Fan's Hercules Johnson picks a fight with Snakes on a Plane extra Tarry Chin!

Great Music Lyrics! Volume 1: Fairies Wear Boots

Welcome to the first installment of Great Music Lyrics!  Join me as we celebrate some of the all time great rock songs with some of the all time absurd lyrics.

Our first installment, Osbourne Osbourne waxes eloquently in Black Sabbath's classic "Fairies Wear Boots":

Goin home late last night
Suddenly I got a fright
Yeah I looked through a window and surprised what I saw
A fairy with boots and dancin' with a dwarf

Oh all right now!

Yeah fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me
Yeah I saw it, I saw it, I tell you no lies
Yeah fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me
I saw it, I saw it with my own two eyes

All right now!

So I went to the doctor
See what he could give me
He said "Son, son, you've gone too far.
'Cause smokin' and trippin' is all that you do"

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

I don't think much has to be added in the way of commentary.  I will say that I've always enjoyed Ozzie's penchant for inserting a "yeaaaaaaaaaahhhhh" at various points in his songs.  Almost as though he forgot the next line.  Actually that's a very distinct possibility.

Bautista on Being the 1st to 40

(Reuters) Jose Bautista, Right Fielder for the Toronto Blue Jays, hit two home runs on Tuesday in a win over the New York Yankees. Leading all of major league baseball, Bautista's HR season total now sits at 40.

This has undoubtedly miffed Yankee fans around the world as he has clearly out-performed Alex Rodriguez, a displeasing pretty-boy and well-known juicer.

Here are comparable stats:

Rodriguez: HR - 21; RBI - 97; OBP (Iain Smith's stupid favourite statistic) - .333
Bautista: HR - 40; RBI - 95; OBP - .373 (further, he is precisely 5x more handsome and charming)

It is especially stinging for the defending World Chumps and their vitriolic fans that Rodriguez earns nearly 15 times more than Bautista ($33.0m and $2.4m a year respectively).

When asked by Tricia Takanawa, PaF reporter, how he explains his vast superiority over Rodriguez, Bautista responded "Rice, I eat a lot of rice."

When asked by Takanawa how he explains Rodriguez's mediocre performance, Bautista responded "Cheese, he eats too much cheese."

Punch a Fan--the awards are pouring in!

In an independent survey, Punch a Fan was voted the fourth best Canadian-based blog with the acronym PaF.

From his mother's basement, PaF founder Raoul Bastardo thanked all the PaF contributors.  "Thanks to all you guys for making this blog such a massive success."  He then proceeded to clap very slowly and deliberately.

Raoul vs. the Hobo

I am a broken man. I've been drunk for a full seven days. I've taken up smoking again. If I am able to sleep, it's fitful and plagued by nightmares. I guess you could say that the sun just doesn't seem to shine quite as bright anymore...

Why, you may be asking yourself? Well, there was a hobo spider in my kitchen last week, that's why. The moment didn't last more than a minute but I've been indelibly scarred.

Let me explain. It was about 8:30 pm last Friday night. I was going to the fridge for a Fanta when I saw the spider.

It was clearly a hobo-- 4 inches long with the tell-tale v-shaped stripes down the middle of his body. But it was the intangibles that really distinguished this little bastard. He had what can only be described as a kind of 'swagger'. Yes, he carried himself with a cool confidence usually reserved for prize fighters.

If I'm not mistaken, he scoffed when he first saw me. He didn't even stir until I reached for a shoe but even then his movements weren't motivated by fear. No, he wasn't going to run... it was go-time. And in that moment I could see it clearly-- this spider didn't just want to bite me, he wanted to humiliate me. He wanted to put a cigarette out in my face and sleep with my girlfriend.

We circled each other, locked in a primitive and savage dance. There could be only one winner. In the back of my mind I was thinking about what would happen if he got his dirty little fangs into me. An internet search reveals victims nursing grotesquely swollen, pus-laden wounds. But after meeting this spider face to face I wasn't even remotely surprised. He was evil incarnate. Indeed, this was the kind of spider who laughed during Schindler's list; who called all his friends in August 1999 to tell them “Bruce Willis is a ghost”.

I took a frantic swipe at him with one of my size twelves... not even close. I thought I heard him laugh. Undaunted, he made his move. He went for straight for the big toe on my right foot. His intent was unmistakable, he wanted to take my legs out one at a time, get me on the ground and finish the job. I squealed like an 8 year old girl in pig-tails and frantically flicked him off before he could bite. He landed unharmed and turned to attack again. At this point, I was totally unglued and might even have peed myself a little bit. It was clear that I was out of my league, that I would not win this fight. He recognized this and that was it. It was over--I was psychologically licked and he knew it. He glared at me before he slowly ambled under the fridge. I wasn't worth his effort and he was probably late for some dog-fighting.

Since that night, things have been, well, rough. I've given notice on my apartment. I'm going to lose a pant-load by breaking my lease but I see no other option. I'd like to think that it isn't just me--that the spider is also forever changed from our encounter--but I know better. No, this was as one sided as you can get. Hobo 1, Raoul nil.

Spokesman Stoned to Death

After an impromptu press conference featuring the spokesman from the Pulitzer Prize winning Blog Punch a Fan, a mob of angry linguists took up rocks and stoned the spokesman to death while chanting "Death to all chronic word repeaters!" and "Iain Smith, you're next...you're next".

Punch a Fan tied to endangered animal smuggling ring

Interpol has launched a criminal investigation into the popular blog Punch a Fan for its alleged connections to an endangered animal smuggling ring.

A spokesman for Punch a Fan vehemently denied the charges.  "We vehemently deny these charges," the spokesman said. "Vehemently."

Punch a Fan online!

Punch a Fan will soon be available on the inter-web!  In a few short weeks you'll be able to simply type http://punchafan.blogspot.com/ into your web browser's address bar to be directed straight to Punch A Fan!

We'll keep you posted!

This just in.....

Hamburgers are 100% delicious.

God Bless you Howie Mandel

Let's be frank Howie, you've impressed us for years.  You wowed us as the comedic mastermind behind "Howie Do It", the charismatic host of "Deal or No Deal" and as a playful spokesman for Boston Pizza.  Mr. Mandel, we can't get enough of you.

You were an outstanding actor.  While few would argue that your portrayal of  Dr. Wayne Fiscus on St. Elsewhere was anything less than inspired, it was as the voice of Gizmo on "Gremlins" and "Gremlins 2" that cemented your reputation as one of the world's foremost entertainers. 

Lest we overlook your superlative work as a stand-up comic.  Who can forget your never-tired shtick of placing a latex glove on your head and inflating it through your nose!  The word "genius" is overused but in your case, I feel it's perfectly apt. 

Howie Mandel--I salute you.