Queen Elizabeth in 3D

Final proof that CBC simply knows what Canadians want to see: Queen Elizabeth in 3D.
"Queen Elizabeth like you've never seen her before." "A historic milestone in Canadian television" Few would deny it. All we can really say is, thank you CBC. My cultural tax dollars are in good hands.

Put on your 3D glasses, Canada, and hold on to your seats! Are you ready for:
The Queen leaning forward in her velvet-covered armchair -- IN 3D!
The Queen opening a dogshow in Hertfordshire -- in 3D!
The Queen selecting a hat for a visit to an orphanage -- in 3D!
The Queen reviewing a regiment of soldiers, and sharing a moment of levity with Sergeant Dean Crudge of Sunderland -- in 3D!
And that's just Season One.

Yes, just when you think CBC is losing touch with Canadians, they show us (again) the meaning of great television.

UVic Rabbit Update

Victoria, CA (AP): On the heels of plans to cull the rabbits at the University of Victoria, students have begun to notice signs of aggression from the normally docile animals. Joan Boatswain, a 3rd year psychology student, was confronted by a black and white rabbit while eating her lunch outside the university library.
"I thought he wanted my burrito," Boatswain told reporters, "but the next thing I know he was taking a piece out my ankle." Similar incidents have been reported by other students, especially after dark.
"A couple of black and white rabbits chased me back to my dorm," said "Darcy," who did not want her real name used for fear of reprisals. "I'm on the track team, so I could outrun them, but I had to use all of my speed. The one wearing the red bandana was fast." The student admitted being intoxicated at the time, and acknowledged that the article of clothing may have been the rabbit's natural colouring, but says she's now fearful of crossing campus alone at night.
Public Relations officer Bud Kanzane, when asked about the incidents, dismissed them as "exaggerations," and vehemently rejected claims that a drug previously administered to nearly 200 rabbits, intended to neuter the animals, had failed in its purpose, and had even unleashed an unexpected aggression in the rodents.
"The day I see a rabbit with a 'bloods'-style bandana coming at me," scoffed Kanzane, "is the day I check myself into the psych ward at Vic General."
UVic students, meanwhile, are not taking any chances in an "us vs. them" war that many claim is "escalating."
"Mr. Kanzane doesn't walk the campus at night," said Boatswain in reponse to the PR man's bluff confidence. "He gets into his car and goes back to his cushy Oak Bay house. But for those of us who live with these [expletive] things, you can feel the tension."
Only time will tell if the cull-threatened rabbits at the university will accept their dreary fate, or start bringin' it Monty Python and the Holy Grail style.

Dubious Honour?

The lady and I went in to one of Victoria's finest booksellers the other day. We were looking for a copy of Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood. A classic by one of literature's greatest artists. Surely they would stock this, right? No luck. Here's the 'M' section... Munro...Ryu Murakami...Huh? You gotta be kidding me. They carry Ryu Murakami but not Haruki? I'm not assuming my taste is everybody's, but I don't know too many folks who don't like HM. So I'm about to buttonhole one of the skinny, introverted clerks, when I spot a little note where his books should be: "Haruki Murakami books may be found behind the back desk." Hmm. Maybe that's the "Staff Picks" section, or a "Foreign Lit." section or something. I go looking around the back desk, but don't see anything. So I ask the skinny, squirrely bookworm at the back desk.
"Oh, yeah, we've got alla Murakami's books back here." He indicates a shelf behind him, out of reach to customers, and sure enough, there are most of Murakami's translated books, including Norwegian Wood. I go to ask the obvious: "Is there any reas--"
"Yeah, his books walk."
"You mean people steal them?"
"Yeah, his books get ripped off more than anyone else here."
Well I'll be damned. He passes me Norwegian Wood like I've asked to see a gold ring under glass.
I feel like this geek is sizing me up as a potential thief myself. The lady and I exchange a slightly nervous laugh. Our favourite writer has been either elevated to an even greater coolness level here, or tarnished a little. We can't figure which. I can imagine the cover of his latest novel: "New York Times Bestseller! #1 Most Stolen Book Worldwide!"
What would Murakami say about this? I've always imagined the West Coast hepcats with their tight jeans and single-speed cruisers as Murakami readers, but now when I see one conspicuously reading The Wind-up Bird Chronicle at some cafe, I'm going to think: You stole that, dirtbag.

Stamps 48 Leos 35

I got a ticket for 20 bucks half way through the first quarter. “Real good seat” the scalper said as he tucked my money in his fanny pack. I went into the grounds, got a beer and found my seat. My “real good seat” was actually decent. Things were looking up!

I was sitting next to a man and his 8(ish) year old son. Good family fun, the CFL! I began to make small talk with the man but we were interrupted when the Stampeders scored on a long passing play. “COCKSUCKER, FUCK!” the man screamed. Maybe I needed to take a closer look at this scene.

One section over and about 5 rows ahead of me, a man with a bright red face suddenly stood and screamed, “SIT THE FUCK DOWN!”. The object of his attention, massively overweight and sporting a Lui Passaglia jersey, kept threatening to moon the crowd. The silver haired man was taking exception. And thank god for that. I wanted to see Passaglia's naked can about as much as I wanted to eat glass. Things seemed to be falling apart.

The teams exchanged about 12 punts and 15 penalties before halftime. CFL football at its very finest. My initial good impression was fading fast.

The Lions cashed in on a bad interception by Stampeders quarterback Henry Burris just before halftime to make the game close. 27-20 Calgary.

The halftime ceremonies featured the “Superdogs”. Dogs and their owners raced through an obstacle course as they blared Guns 'n Roses over the PA. Strangely, the fans stood cheered for this entire segment. It was easily the loudest the crowd got all night.

The game resumed and passed by in a blur of more penalties and punts. There was some scoring mixed in there too but I honestly don't remember much of it.

Halfway through the third quarter the fat man in the Passaglia jersey started stumbling up the stairs towards the exit. He looked white as a ghost and very confused. I hadn't seen that look since my first year of university but it was unmistakable. He vomited on the steps about 10 rows in front of me. Some people, including the man and his son sitting next to me, cheered. Ladies and gentlemen, the CFL, fun for the whole family!

The Lions looked putrid but the crowd didn't seem to care. The wave (everyone loves the wave) got going and went around the stadium for what seemed like 20 minutes. The Stampeders scored again but the wave didn't let up. Was anyone even watching?

The Lions scored two touchdowns late to make the score close but the game was lopsided. The final whistle finally blew and I shuffled towards the exit with the remaining fans. I passed by some of the “Felions” (Lions cheerleaders) on my way out of the grounds. They were lingering around their trailer and getting whistled at by exiting fans. They were dressed like small-town strippers, but without the class. Oddly, my junk felt itchy as I passed.

I've heard it said that you can judge a society by its entertainment. Believing this to be at least partially true I went home and wept for us all.

New Look for Punch a Fan!

And the results speak for themselves--PaF is now accesible through the Google-machine! Simply type: site:http://punchafan.blogspot.com/ in Google to find us.  (Note: you must type those words exactly). 

Punch a Fan founder Raoul Bastardo reportedly commemorated the occasion by getting drunk in his Mom's basement.    

Our Lunch Will Go Onnnnnn...

In the song lyrics vein, it's a good chuckle replacing "love" with "lunch" in your favourite tunes. A few examples:

- Lunch in an elevator.
- Lunch is all we need.
- Is this lunch, is this lunch, is this lunch, is this lunch that I'm feelin'?
- Wanna whole lotta lunch, wanna whole lotta lunch.

Go on, you try! It's fun!

Nine Day Traffic Jam

Phewww...

Nine days in a traffic jam from Jining City to Beijing. Over 100 km long. Ugh..visiting the motherland has its disadvantages. Great rice though.

What do you do for nine days in a car? Play "I Spy" for over a week? Know any good knock-knock jokes maybe?

What are you going to eat? Where are you going to pee and/or poo?

Apparently, the locals started selling food and bottles of water at the side of the highway.

So what do you think I should have done during my nine day traffic jam?

Mao

DWJ

I guess this DWJ story has made the rounds already, but it really is a gem.
www.djdimepiece.com/driver-arrested-for-using-adult-toy-while-driving/
Here's my imagined conversation with the arresting officers:

Sergeant Troy: You want to take this one?
Sergeant Peterson: No, you go ahead. It's just an expired registration.
Troy (knocking on tinted window): Sir? Madam? ... Oh, dear ... Uh ... Oh ... Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to turn that thing off ... No, I can't wait. ... Now remove it ... Yes, all the way... No, I don't want it. ... Sir. Sir. Yes, you with the laptop. Turn that thing off, too. I guess that's not the news you were watching, then? Oh, and I'll take the crack pipe while we're at it. ... Alright. When you get your pants up, I'm gonna ask you to step out of the car. Peterson, get over here!

As good as this is -- the crack pipe and the passenger (friend? boyfriend? 10-year-old child?) -- I can see improvements: crashing into a KFC, perhaps, and of course the two toddlers in child seats in the back of the car. Any other ideas?