Sports or Sporting Events worth mocking: Part 1

Hockey set this one up on a tee for us!

This year's inductees to the Hockey Hall of Fame:
Dino Ciccarelli (fair enough), Cami Granato (again, no issue), Angela James (if you say so), Jim Devellano (this guy?) and somebody named Daryl "Doc" Seaman.

Jim Devellano (apparently)

I haven't heard of the last three inductees but I'm sure they're very worthy. The best part though? The induction ceremony on November 7th will feature performances by Honeymoon Suite and Alan Frew (of Glass Tiger fame). Clearly no expense was spared!

Good vs. Evil

In honour of the baseball post-season, let's imagine history's all-time bad guys matching up against the all-time good guys. Here are the line-ups. Who do you like in a seven game series? Anyone missing?

Bad Guys
1. RF-Adolf Hitler--terrible mustache, pansy arm but always seems to get on base. Led the league in persecutions and walks 4 years in a row.
2. SS-Joseph Stalin--excellent mustache, ruthless dictator, good singles hitter but weak defender.
3. 1B-Tomas de Torquemada--the man behind the Spanish Inquisition can hit to all fields.
4. DH-Genghis Kahn--the leader of the Mongol hordes has monster power but a temper to match.
5. 3B-Pol Pot--Khmer Rouge commander has left a legacy of disease, starvation and timely RBIs.
6. LF-Idi Amin--former president of Uganda whose rule was characterized by human rights abuses, ethnic persecution, and political repression has a slick glove and is good for 30 steals a season.
7. 2B-Kim Jong Il--weak arm, talks a better game than he plays. Often criticized for his off-field apparel.
8. C-Mao Tse-tung--the Chairman, who is estimated to have killed between 20 and 67 million, is slow on the basepaths, and a poor game caller.
9. CF-Ty Cobb--the “Georgia Peach” boasts a career .367 batting average

Starting Pitcher
Vlad Tepes--Vlad the Impaler throws consistently in the mid to high 90's. Propensity to miss high and inside keeps opponents on their toes.


Good Guys
1. SS-Mohandis Gandhi--smart, team player who knows how to get on base. Great OBP and strong but calm clubhouse presence. Vacuum glove.
2. 2B-Jesus Christ--with Gandhi, forms the best keystone combination in the game today. Has brought shoulder-length hair and love back in vogue.
3. CF-Buddha--the founder of Buddhism can flat out rake. The prototypical 5 tool player.
4. LF-Dalai Lama--hits for power and percentage and is a rock in left field. A strikingly similar player to the man hitting ahead of him.
5. DH-Martin Luther King--leader of the civil rights movement has never been afraid of the big stage. A vocal leader who can walk the walk. Pencil him in for .300-30-115
6. 3B-Baha'u'llah--devoted his career to the abolition of racial, class, and religious prejudices and bare handing bunts hit down the third base line.
7. 1B-Albert Einstein--high baseball IQ. Always approaches the plate with a plan.
8. RF-Mother Teresa--known for working tirelessly with the terminally ill, her cannon arm and ability to get the timely hit.
9. C-Albert Schweitzer--one of the great humanitarians of the 20th century rarely allows a passed ball.

Starting Pitcher
Nelson Mandela--winner of the 1993 Nobel Peace Prize and 4 Cy Young awards. Location, location, location--Mandela paints the corners like no one else but can still summon the 96 mph cheese when it's needed.

Cyclist Watcher Guide

Passing other cyclists on my travels round Victoria, I can't help but notice that they (no, not me) fall into recognizable categories. I'll start with 2 of my favourites. Feel free to add other types to the list:

The Greg Glamonde (GGC): At a distance you might mistake a GG for a serious professional. He has ALL the gear. According to his shirt he is sponsored by 3 European banks. His legs are shaved, his bike is f%#*n expensive. His face behind cycling shades is dead serious. He will not acknowledge your existence as you pass each other, so it's good to wave and smile and say an exaggerated "HI THERE!" You are dazzled of course, but you do have a few questions for yourself: If he really is training for the Tour de France, as the whole steely package makes you understand, (a) why is he doing it on a gently rolling street like Beach Drive? and (b) why is he fat?

The Rather B Drivin' (RBD): This is the young dude with the crappy mountain bike riding to school. He has no helmet, no bell, no lights. The front wheel is wonky, and his knees are pumping above the handlebar because he can't be assed to raise the seat. Maybe there is no seat. The chain is rusted half off, and both tires are flat. He's been riding the bike like this every day for about 2 years. He leaves the bike out in the rain. When the bike will finally die ("NO! Fuck! I got a class in ten minutes! You piece of SHIT!") he'll dump it in a playground. A child will trip over it and cut her leg on a rusty spoke that's sticking out, and she'll have to go to the hospital for a tetanus shot.

Coming soon: The Singlehandedly Saving the Planet, and the Nobody Beats Me to Work

Internet Tabs

My current four:

1.) Google map search for "Poutine Burnaby"
2.) Youtube clip of Battle of the Network Stars from 1976 (this is worth every minute--thank you Bill Simmons)
3.) Google search to determine if smoking banana peels will get you high (alas, no)
4.) Hair-loss Help forum--does "Revivogen" really work?

Punch a Fan seen wearing little saddle shoes

It used to be about the music.

What happened to Paf? What was once a proud blog now toils in obscurity. What was once a beacon for the clever, the very definition of wit, is now a shining example of apathy.

Punch a Fan, I'm ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of us all...