Nobi's All-In Furious Fitness Freakout (NAIFFF)

Tired of "guaranteed" fitness programs that leave you just as fat as you were (only 50 bucks lighter)? Tired of finding yourself curled up like a pretzel while some stranger yells at you to "reach for your inner fire!!" and you see yourself from a distance and worry that you've made some terrible compromises in your life? Got 20 minutes to kill? If you answered "yes" to the any of the above questions, then Nobi's All-in Furious Fitness Freakout is for you. Here's how it works: (1) Create your own personalized 20-minute Furious Fitness Freakout Mix. I'm not going to tell you what tunes will make the cut. The only criteria is that it'll make you want to tear the stuffing out of a pillow, eat a glass and dunk over LeBron from out of fucking nowhere. (2) Put on your Furious Fitness Freakout Mix garments. Again, there is no model here. You're looking for the comfort/freakout edge here, something to confront a home intruder in, something to walk out of the wreckage in. Think "The Road" meets the fighting monks of Lao Tsu Te Mountain. All your stretchy comfy good looks don't mean much to a marauding grizzly, do they? High ankle support is going to be the least of your worries. (3) Shut the curtains, clear the living room of shit you might need again, send your loved ones to the park, take a deep breath ... unlock the furious fitness freak cage. What's that smell? Press play. (4) Freak the fuck out, cowboy! This isn't a workout! Aliens are trying to eat your head! Your team just won the cup! What the fuck is that on your LEG!? Get if off! Get if off! Oh oh! NASA flight simulator going 2Gs! 3Gs! Eject! Nobody is going to need THIS on the moon! Smash! Smash! Wildebeest stampede! You're a screaming baboon! Show them your fucking incisors! Show them your bright blue ass! Running with the bulls! Riding a bull! You're not gonna make it to the fence, Ty! Ass over tea kettle! Woo! Is that Jackie Chan? He wants to fight you?! You've got a sword?! He's got a fucking MACE?! Oh, shit! Crash! The Ikea table is kindling now! Turn you fool! Finish him! Oww! Don't look! Better make a leap for it! Train tracks? Shinkansen!! Get out of the way! Drop and roll! And roll! And roll! Meth heads have got you! Better dance them to the ground! Dance! These people believe in NOTHING! Not working?! Hit 'em with your books! All of them! Now get the troll with the shelves! He's the source of their power! For the SHIRE!!!! Stop the music. Breathe. Put the freak back in the cage for now. (5) Repeat, with whatever variations get your all-in freak out OUT. Import props as necessary. Hint: take no prisoners with your music selections. Either they leapt from one building to the next... or they didn't. Also stay tuned for Nobi's All-in Deep Relaxation Program. It's so relaxing you won't fucking believe it.