Cyclist Watcher Guide

Passing other cyclists on my travels round Victoria, I can't help but notice that they (no, not me) fall into recognizable categories. I'll start with 2 of my favourites. Feel free to add other types to the list:

The Greg Glamonde (GGC): At a distance you might mistake a GG for a serious professional. He has ALL the gear. According to his shirt he is sponsored by 3 European banks. His legs are shaved, his bike is f%#*n expensive. His face behind cycling shades is dead serious. He will not acknowledge your existence as you pass each other, so it's good to wave and smile and say an exaggerated "HI THERE!" You are dazzled of course, but you do have a few questions for yourself: If he really is training for the Tour de France, as the whole steely package makes you understand, (a) why is he doing it on a gently rolling street like Beach Drive? and (b) why is he fat?

The Rather B Drivin' (RBD): This is the young dude with the crappy mountain bike riding to school. He has no helmet, no bell, no lights. The front wheel is wonky, and his knees are pumping above the handlebar because he can't be assed to raise the seat. Maybe there is no seat. The chain is rusted half off, and both tires are flat. He's been riding the bike like this every day for about 2 years. He leaves the bike out in the rain. When the bike will finally die ("NO! Fuck! I got a class in ten minutes! You piece of SHIT!") he'll dump it in a playground. A child will trip over it and cut her leg on a rusty spoke that's sticking out, and she'll have to go to the hospital for a tetanus shot.

Coming soon: The Singlehandedly Saving the Planet, and the Nobody Beats Me to Work